Dancing With The Morons

The hospital, when flowing smoothly, is beautiful to watch. The elegance with which teams of doctors, nurses, pharmacists, techs, and other staff work together is something so remarkable, so coordinated, so intricate, that is so closely resembles…a dance. Yes, just as B and C list celebrities have proven time and time again, a well-orchestrated dance is simply magical, especially when you are paired with a half-naked dancing goddess in heels. And just like in those dances, the hospital carries with it a unique array of dances, some dazzling, some romatic, all strangely metro. So please, learn these moves, dazzle your family, friends, and lovers, and just be careful. After all, wouldn’t want you breaking anything, because before you know it you’ll have me dancing around you…and as anyone who was at my bar-mitzvah can attest to, it ain’t pretty.

The Icky Shuffle

With apologies to the original Ickey Shuffle, a fond form of entertainment from my youth, this one is starkly different and, in my opinion, vastly more challenging. Your partner in this case is an ED exam room covered in blood, vomit and feces, all deposited by the charming young alcoholic in the center of the room. You must briskly hop, skip, and jump across these assorted piles of excrement, urine, and lord knows what else, for if you slip that is not only a ten point deduction, but also a memory no amount of showers will wash away.

By the way, those extra blue dots in the corner aren’t just for a hopping sequence involving your left foot – those are just tears. Lots and lots of tears. Lets move on.

The Intern Code Special

For this dance, you (in blue) are the intern on the ICU Code Blue team, paired with a high-powered group of medical professionals. At any moment an overhead page will holler “Code Blue [location]”, repeating over and over again. One second you’re trying to stay awake during noon conference, the next second that voice emerges from the monotony – you, along with the other members of the code team, bolt from your chairs and charge towards the crashing patient at full speed. Hilarity ensues, at your clueless, dumb-ass expense. This may or may not be based on a true story…I’ll let you decide.

The There Is No Way In Hell I’m Getting Anywhere Near That Guy

There is something about drug seeking behavior and body odor that makes for a very intimate, albeit distant tango of passion. And by passion I mean a foulness that would burn the inside of your nose much like the cocaine burning the nose of this guy right now!

The Shadow

Paired with a ballroom trainee (in green), otherwise known as a medical student, watch as she follows your every move. Literally. The only thing more annoying is that Hello Kitty pen she carries with her as she scribbles down every worthless thing you say.

Hey, you. Ya, you. Med student. How about instead of following me into the bathroom you do a literature search on staying away from my balls? Thanks a bunch.

The Eye Pass

The most seductive of dances, this one involves the lowly intern, downtrodden but still yearning for the higher echelons of care, catching the glimpse of the Hot Nurse, she who bestows upon the lucky housestaff an image of perfection behind her oddly form-fitting scrubs. He makes a pass, then walks away, then another pass, and another. He knows she dances for him, that their connection is true. She, on the other hand, knows he’s a douchebag. And one who makes less than she does.