Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Dancing With The Morons

The hospital, when flowing smoothly, is beautiful to watch. The elegance with which teams of doctors, nurses, pharmacists, techs, and other staff work together is something so remarkable, so coordinated, so intricate, that is so closely resembles…a dance. Yes, just as B and C list celebrities have proven time and time again, a well-orchestrated dance is simply magical, especially when you are paired with a half-naked dancing goddess in heels. And just like in those dances, the hospital carries with it a unique array of dances, some dazzling, some romatic, all strangely metro. So please, learn these moves, dazzle your family, friends, and lovers, and just be careful. After all, wouldn’t want you breaking anything, because before you know it you’ll have me dancing around you…and as anyone who was at my bar-mitzvah can attest to, it ain’t pretty.

The Icky Shuffle

With apologies to the original Ickey Shuffle, a fond form of entertainment from my youth, this one is starkly different and, in my opinion, vastly more challenging. Your partner in this case is an ED exam room covered in blood, vomit and feces, all deposited by the charming young alcoholic in the center of the room. You must briskly hop, skip, and jump across these assorted piles of excrement, urine, and lord knows what else, for if you slip that is not only a ten point deduction, but also a memory no amount of showers will wash away.

By the way, those extra blue dots in the corner aren’t just for a hopping sequence involving your left foot – those are just tears. Lots and lots of tears. Lets move on.

The Intern Code Special

For this dance, you (in blue) are the intern on the ICU Code Blue team, paired with a high-powered group of medical professionals. At any moment an overhead page will holler “Code Blue [location]”, repeating over and over again. One second you’re trying to stay awake during noon conference, the next second that voice emerges from the monotony – you, along with the other members of the code team, bolt from your chairs and charge towards the crashing patient at full speed. Hilarity ensues, at your clueless, dumb-ass expense. This may or may not be based on a true story…I’ll let you decide.

The There Is No Way In Hell I’m Getting Anywhere Near That Guy

There is something about drug seeking behavior and body odor that makes for a very intimate, albeit distant tango of passion. And by passion I mean a foulness that would burn the inside of your nose much like the cocaine burning the nose of this guy right now!

The Shadow

Paired with a ballroom trainee (in green), otherwise known as a medical student, watch as she follows your every move. Literally. The only thing more annoying is that Hello Kitty pen she carries with her as she scribbles down every worthless thing you say.

Hey, you. Ya, you. Med student. How about instead of following me into the bathroom you do a literature search on staying away from my balls? Thanks a bunch.

The Eye Pass

The most seductive of dances, this one involves the lowly intern, downtrodden but still yearning for the higher echelons of care, catching the glimpse of the Hot Nurse, she who bestows upon the lucky housestaff an image of perfection behind her oddly form-fitting scrubs. He makes a pass, then walks away, then another pass, and another. He knows she dances for him, that their connection is true. She, on the other hand, knows he’s a douchebag. And one who makes less than she does.


Blogger Medic61 said...

I am far too familiar with the Icky Shuffle myself.
Love the visuals!

11:50 PM  
Blogger Dr. Fashionista said...

Arrgh, Fake Doctor! You've come back! I've been enjoying your blog (at your expense, probably, sorry doc). I'm glad you're back.

I've joined the medical world now (1st year med student). Sort of -not- looking forward to the long arduous years ahead of me, but I'm hoping I can get through it just as good-humoured as you are.

By the way, do you remember doing anything as a med student that you see the current med students are doing now? Just curious... like following the intern to the bathroom... :P

4:02 PM  
Blogger genderist said...

I know these dances!
Can you also do the two-step?

5:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very funny. I'm glad to see that you're posting again. You forgot to mention the Early Morning Hustle. It involves frantically running back and forth between the slow computer housing the electronic medical records, to the slow printer that is painfully turning out laboratory results, to be slowed nursing staff that is two hours late all in obtaining your patient's vital signs.

6:32 PM  
Blogger Larissa said...

You are WAAAAAYYY too creative.... I especially like the first illustration.

7:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was pretty funny! I like the code blue entry, I can just imagine your dumbass running in the wrong direction! haha.

10:59 PM  
Blogger Hilary said...

It must have been hard for you to choose between art school and med school... ;)

5:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh the DOC IS BACK!! YAYAH! man 1st off you've got to get a publisher STAT...this stuff is gold. 2nd How do you keep the humor alive in such a depressing place? God has truly blessed you with comedy -- Keep on Shinin!!

8:40 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Good lord I've missed you!

Thanks for this. I've got to put on my dancing shoes in the morning and am so not looking forward to it.

Now when I have to dance tomorrow, I'll at least have a semi-demented smile on my face whilst I remember this post!

9:22 PM  
Blogger Heza Hekele said...

Your back! What a pleasant surprise! Now let me go drink away the visions of vomit and feces that dance in my head...

11:03 AM  
Blogger Captain Atopic said...

Love your work, Doc! I especially enjoyed Crack guy; he visits me weekly at work...

9:06 PM  
Blogger make mine trauma said...

Finally, you have returned. I am much more interested in the torture you will endure as a resident! Carry on!

8:39 AM  
Blogger The Tudor Rose said...

Dude! Glad to see you've come back. I especially love the diagrams. :)

Know you're swamped with work, that you've learned a lot in the last year, but you've still got your sense of humour. Don't ever lose that, ok?

4:08 PM  
Anonymous crosscover said...

She, on the other hand, knows he’s a douchebag. And one who makes less than she does.
Ah, then you must not be at any of the teaching hospitals in Connecticut. That particular fact above never seemed to affect the... err... receptiveness of the nurses to any of the interns' Eye Passes while I was there.

4:59 PM  
Anonymous Alice said...

You're amazing. I know all of these dance steps (except the last one): the ick on the floor, the wrong direction to a code, trailing the chief and being trailed by the med students. . . Thanks for the definitive illustrations. :)

5:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

welcome back Fake Doctor! (remember snoopy girl?) It seems like just yesterday I was blue in an office down about my job when your first blog cheered me up and gave me the happiness needed to goto business 2.5 years later I've just graduated with my mba. feels like we have a history together hehe good luck on the next stage! (you should sell advertisement on your blog btw)

12:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fabulous dances! As a soon-to-be RN, I have had my share of dances at the hospital, including the one where at 6am you slink around all the scared shitless med students who decide that blocking the hallway and being oblivious to everyone else is the perfect way to ensure that vital signs will be done on time ;)

Glad to hear you're surviving!

9:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just to let you know and boost the ol' ego a bit, you're probably the funniest person I don't actually know.

Thanks for coming back!

8:10 PM  
Blogger Medical Student said...

Hello fakedoctor! I'm a fellow med student and I have been reading your blog recently. I have just started my own blog ( ... yes, that's "med school is hard") and I was wondering if you would be willing to link to my blog in your links section. In return, I would be happy to do the same! (My blog is kinda a satirical look at everything medical school stands for. Also, it's not supposed to be personal, so I don't have my name on it anywhere :P ) So yeah, that's all I wanted to say, so please let me know! Thanks so much!

6:48 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I've danced these dances before, including the Shadow with a new grad nurse. Hilarious. AND true.

12:54 PM  
Blogger gabbiana said...

Oh, I call foul. You yourself were just a mere med student last year; surely you can't have forgotten that intern-sticking ways are integral to our survival. If our intern disappeareth, are we not screwed? If we page him, will he not *not* answer? Yea, my friend, yea, and so we will follow him even unto the bathroom door and verily keep guard there. So sayeth Shakespeare and possibly the Bible.

10:21 AM  
Blogger ArleneWKW said...

I'm glad you're back. I'm not in the medical field, but thoroughly enjoy your blog.

5:41 PM  
Blogger js184 said...

i just started internal medicine residency also. how do you find time to do all this? Are you doing an elective month in dermatology or some easy outpatient rotation? I definitely remember the icky shuffle from my first month in the icu.

8:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah yes the icky shuffle...last time I was in the E.R. there were 3 of them going on in the waiting room alone. Good times.

11:57 PM  
Blogger William said...

You are truly inspired.

Keep writing. This is observational comedy at its finest.

6:56 PM  

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